He's done it. It has finally happened. George Lucas has destroyed any last remnants of faith that I may have had lingering in him, and in no subtle fashion I might add. Star Wars: The Clone was is, without doubt, the most horrendous piece of 'cinema' I have ever intentionally subjected myself to. Before I get into the specifics of my claim, I will provide a little of my history with Star Wars to help drive home just how betrayed I felt last night.
Among my earliest memories are of watching a poorly recorded version of A New Hope with my dad. I loved it from the beginning. There was something absolutely magical about the Original Trilogy. Star Wars completely changed my life (For better or worse). I own two Star Wars T-shirts, a Star Wars hat, a (bad ass) Jedi Costume, my car had a star wars bumper sticker, Yoda hangs from my rear view mirror, I own and have read well over 50 star wars books, and I have watched the Original Trilogy more times than I can recall. I have never once in my entire life been ashamed to admit my devotion to Star Wars, even after the disappointment that was the prequels (and the special edition, the special special edition, and the future super special deluxe mega 3D editions).
So understand the full weight of my meaning when I say that I am extremely embarrassed that Star Wars: The Clone Wars even exists. There was not one single redeeming quality that can be gleaned from that movie. Ty, Michelle and James can all attest, the evening ended with me curled up in the fetal position in the movie theater. Be warned, ye faint of heart: Spoilers and heartache are to follow.
The movie starts with a gut-wrenching and disgusting rendition of the Star Wars main theme, followed by a Starship Troopers-esque voice over explaining the thin and contrived plot that the rest of the movie will be centered on. (Have you always wondered just how it was during the Clone Wars that the Galactic Republic planned to gain control of vital shipping lanes? STAY TUNED!) And then it went downhill from there. The primary focus of the movie is on Anakin and his new padawan Ahsoka. Anakin is every bit as annoying as he was in the prequels, but he can't even compare to how annoying Ahsoka is. Everything from her nickname for Anakin (Skyguy. Seriously, die.) to her ridiculous 'I act arrogant but I'm really insecure' demeanor, everything is painful to watch. Of course, when they're not center stage, the movie likes to jump to the battle droids, who were apparently programmed to be completely retarded (I'm talking JarJar Binks stupid), which could have been a key factor in the downfall of the separatists. (omg I leaned forward and fell off a cliff. Noooooo)
The movie could have at least salvaged some watchability with exciting action sequences. This should have been easy to deliver on, but apparently not. I found this particularly mind boggling, how is it possible for all six live action star wars movies to have VASTLY more entertaining and energetic lightsaber fights than one that was animated? It's an ANIMATED MOVIE! YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO. I have only scratched the surface of the terrors that were unleashed upon the masses in The Clone Wars, but I can't really talk about them without blood shooting out of my ears.
Of course, I recognize that this movie was intended primarily for children, but that still is no excuse. It is possible to create a movie that is primarily for children that adults will still love (Pixar, anyone?). And if the two kids who looked bored out of their skulls last night were any indication...They failed in that regard as well.
Don't watch this movie unless you actually hate yourself.
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1 comment:
you know, from the severity of your breakdown at the movie and the several hours after, this entry is surprisingly well worded, coherent, and free of expletives.
I can and do attest to the horrors of what we went through, but I have to say, it was not un-expected. That said, nothing could prepare me for the "hutlet." god help us all.
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